the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
with regards to the last line of my previous post..
the fallen saint left at 3:51 pm two more days to the new year, or one, depending on how you choose to look at it. this was always something i could not grasp- the deficiency in the communication of numbers of days between now and the future. do we include today, or is today already past even though it's only the morning when we speak? right. just take that little paragraph above and chuck it. early morning ramblings, i call it.
the fallen saint left at 9:29 am
driving lessons are getting more and more boring. i can't wait for stage3.
the fallen saint left at 12:42 pm
getting late, sinking lower and deeper into depression.
the fallen saint left at 11:54 pm got an older version of the honda civic today for my driving lesson, the EXI. if people say honda city is the worst of the lot, i don't think i can imagine how bad the latter must be. the EXI that i got was simply horrible. the accelerator pedal was stiff, and the clutch's biting point was so high up that i had to lift my knee almost up to the steering wheel before i got any grip on.
the fallen saint left at 8:03 pm
did i ever tell you
the fallen saint left at 11:39 pm
saw this signboard somewhere the other day: MAXIMUM CREDIT! 8X YOUR SALARY TO SPEND!
the fallen saint left at 4:57 pm don't you try bohemian fashion because gypsies look awful and you're only insulting them.
the fallen saint left at 4:53 pm
roman numerals representing 19.
the fallen saint left at 9:51 pm
prior to this day, i've never cooked and cleaned up after myself, but today i did, and twice at that! it must be a special day, one may reckon.
the fallen saint left at 10:19 pm
went out onto the roads. engine braking is a bit more complicated than i thought! =P
the fallen saint left at 6:44 pm
i parked the car for my instructor! =)
the fallen saint left at 4:55 pm
i hate you. you're a fucking bastard.
the fallen saint left at 7:17 pm
a bit nervous at first because it's a real car. duh. and i couldn't get a feel for the accelerator. i kept jamming the pedal, haha. and the engine stalled on me too.
the fallen saint left at 12:13 pm
lim and i got caught for our hair being 'too long' during lunch today. army's just anal about slopes and sideburns and whatnots.
the fallen saint left at 9:51 pm
maybe it is best to rewind the clock and erase the memories of this past few weeks.
the fallen saint left at 6:48 pm
i'm still shaken by your reaction last night, after we hung up. i felt guilty for making you cry even though it was because of a misunderstanding. i never expected it to mean so much to you that you would be like this, and it's my fault whether i meant well or not.
the fallen saint left at 9:21 pm i like the gym. i'm not a bodybuilder, i'm just there to push myself.
the fallen saint left at 8:23 pm
i thought you would understand- my words were in frankness, and i only meant well.
the fallen saint left at 11:21 pm
in a discreet corner of the tea party
the fallen saint left at 8:15 am
so tell me, what's to come out of this?
the fallen saint left at 9:59 pm
it's probably right to say that i never once entered a relationship with marriage anywhere in my criteria. i never bothered if the girl was marriage-material. and i think i'm still like that. i can't quite figure how others can enter a relationship with someone, convinced - or at least, with a bit of certainty - that the other person is the ideal lifelong partner. it doesn't make sense to me.
the fallen saint left at 11:57 am
i couldn't lift the same weight today. felt too tired, weak, strength-less - like i hadn't touched weights in my life. off-day, maybe? i don't know. if i'm serious at something i don't like compromising the training. if i'm playing around then it's not training, it's just a goddamn waste of time.
the fallen saint left at 9:38 pm
thanks lucille, for speaking those encouraging words, for telling me what i needed to hear. it was simple but made so much sense, and maybe for the first time, i'm convinced that this is the way forward.
the fallen saint left at 11:23 pm
sometimes you wonder if all this means anything at all.
the fallen saint left at 11:31 pm
still waiting for that long bus ride:
the fallen saint left at 11:38 pm
Friday, December 30, 2005
the answer
i'm strong enough to not cry, yet weak enough to be bothered by my problems.
hung up
i decided not to go for the 15 (read as "one-five", not fifteen, for the ignorant) gathering on NYE. always been a tradition to find ourselves at es' house the past two years because it happens to be his birthday too (well, let's not get into the technicalities of time zones). what makes it different this year is probably all that's happened in 2005, not all things pleasant. not that it's really anyone's fault, i guess, but i feel the distance has grown a bridge too far, plus i did mention to chengwei that i didn't wish to see a certain person (don't guess, i won't tell) although i don't know whether he/she will be present. besides i wouldn't be missed; i'd always been only a quiet presence in recent gatherings.
so since i won't be turning up, here's wishing es a happy birthday and a great year ahead.
loi, i think the melancholy decided to set in for good. maybe i should take your advice and talk about it, but how would it help, because trying to make sense of it would only depress me further. sigh.
i wish i could just break down and cry, just so i could let out this welling tension within.. but i can't.
and i don't know why.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
downward curve
actually, no, i just want to drive my own bloody car.
someone cage me, i'm a speed demon.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
plunge
sometimes i hate myself.
bad day at the wheel
needless to say, driving was much jerkier than when i was in a VTI. thankfully no crank courses or S curves today, i probably would have been so frustrated that i'd just drive straight through the curbs.
hopefully i'll get back a VTI for the rest of my lessons. i can only shudder at the thought of driving another EXI, or worse, city. creepers jeepers.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
i will love again- by lara fabian
how you live in me
every waking moment
even in my dreams
so if all this talk is crazy
and you don't know what i mean
does it really matter
just as long as i believe
i will love again, though my heart is breaking
i will love again, stronger than before
i will love again, even if it takes a lifetime to get over you
heaven only knows
i will love again
people never tell you
the way they truly feel
i would die for you gladly
if i knew it was for real
so if all this talk sounds crazy
and the words don't come out right
does it really matter
if it gets me through this night
i will love again, though my heart is breaking
i will love again, stronger than before
i will love again, even if it takes a lifetime to get over you
heaven only knows
i will love again
if i'm true to myself
nobody else can take the place of you
but i've got to move on
tell me what else can i do
i will love again
one day i know
i will love again
you can't stop me from loving again
breathing again
feeling again
i know one day i'll love again
Monday, December 26, 2005
trapdoor of debt
yes, what a delightful proposition to fool the dim-witted and simple minded naive of our population. i believe it would take a fool's fool to bite THIS cherry. but sad to say, there are such people around.
to pose an obvious question to these amazingly brilliant individuals.. how are you going to pay off the debt, you dumbfuck? it's 8 times your salary, for.. for.. for shit's sake!
quiet mutter
i wonder if anyone understands what i came up with..
Friday, December 23, 2005
XIX
my age when i went through the roughest patch of my life so far- my hardest breakup which triggered a chain reaction to a host of knock-ons in front of which i could have easily flown the white flag and surrendered myself.
almost. but i didn't.
for months on end i was in a slump, binging and drinking, idling past every day, not knowing where the hell i was headed to anymore. then along came a stranger who lifted me up momentarily, gave me a glimpse of the multitudes of possibilities in my life, and once i savoured it i could not reliquish the delight of what i could become. the hunger grew in me like a fledgeling into a monster, and it drove me on because i didn't dare look back- no, i didn't want to.
in came the impromptu workouts that i would decide to put myself through after each day at work, largely because that place with the metal plates and machines was the only constant in my life at that time. it offered a cold yet surprisingly welcome solace from the pain and dejection of being forsaken. i was drawn to the ruthless allure of the gym, because it was there that i was at peace, that i was focused, and that i knew what needed to be done. it comforted me without need for words, my burden lessened without need for human touch. simply put, it got the job done, and it put me back on my feet. now i simply love the pain of my muscles not being able to move anymore. it reminds me of where i stand, to be appreciative of what i have, but yet to never hesitate in fighting for what i want.
and so i want this time of my life to be forever remembered, etched in flesh on a part of me. because things took a nosedive in this year, and somehow i managed to halt the descent, and i want to use this as inspiration and motivation if ever i foolishly decide to throw in the towel in anything i endeavour.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
'tis a good day
today was the first time in a while since i'd been to town, and it did look a bit foreign when i alighted from the bus. i do miss driving already; the empowerment of controlling a car is quite a high in itself; i can't wait to get my license, although it's still a long way to g -. i just can't wait to drive legally on the roads. then comes the other question about a car.. but that's for a long time down the road anyway.
met charmaine for the narnia movie and an in-between of lunch and dinner, though honestly it was just a typical tea-break for me. yes i'm such a glutton, but i'm just hungry, not greedy. and i sort of rediscovered my addiction to coffee today too. bad girl, to lead me down this sinful road laced with caffeine.. (oh what am i saying, i must be going crazy)
funny how i had no plans to shop for anything today but yet ended up purchasing a top from zara, and to think charmaine was the one who was intentionally searching for some decent workwear! let's hope i do not turn into a compulsive shopper, for the coffers to finance such a whim are quite beyond me at the moment.
and pudge, i suppose i did miss you all this while. i stopped loving you but i never stopped caring, and i always wanted to be a part of your life somehow, as a friend at least. a part of me sometimes wishes i could relive that time of my life all over again because you were - and still are - magical to me, but i don't ask for much because i know i don't deserve it for how i treated you towards the end of our relationship, and i could only understand after everything had ended, how much you loved and the pain you went through. sorry isn't enough to mean anything, but the love you gave me is still one of the most cherished in my memories. i still keep the two poems you wrote for me, and the little jarful of hearts you painstakingly made from paperclips.
from you those were priceless.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
third prac
regardless, my braking is still quite jerky. i tend to jam the brakes, which unless you like to that funny egyptian dance thing with your neck, isn't really a delight.
more work to do on that.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
second prac
though it was a drive-in, not reverse.
but still! =)
Monday, December 19, 2005
diatribe to self
you said never to get involved in this, and look at where you are now, and what you've done. will you ever let your head do the thinking?
when will you ever change?
Sunday, December 18, 2005
first prac
but towards the end everything went smoothly, so it's not too bad. one thing though, i hate moving at slow speeds. it makes me sleepy and lose my focus on the roads.
need for speed..
Friday, December 16, 2005
bad hair day
no matter. was intending to try a new hairstyle this weekend anyway.
somehow i just feel that people in the army have nothing better to do. like, what on earth was the rsm doing in the cookhouse when he was supposed to be outfield? and it's not like our hair were touching our collars or that my fringe was tickling my eyebrows. look, staff sergeant, you got fucked for not doing your job, but you needn't give us trouble too, you know?
i think that was the only high point of the day, which can be summarised into one word: pathetic. ok, another high point was probably when lim and i shared the same sentiments regarding someone's blog. haha.
and oh, lim.. i'm not contributing to your pitas fund raiser either. so suck it! lol
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
turn back
is it?
you are such an idiot.
Monday, December 12, 2005
awkward
i don't really know what to say to you now.. it feels like there's a rift between us at the moment. perhaps i'm afraid that whatever i say next may hurt you again. i shouldn't speak further.
a quiet retreat
i'm an anti-social bastard in the gym. i don't talk to anyone, and have no desire to. it doesn't matter if i'm alone in the room or there's someone else there; to me they don't exist. i just want to see how much torment my body can take before calling it quits. you can call me egotistical, but this place builds character. you don't have to be the strongest to be the toughest.
there's a fine line that separates insanity from conscious brutality. right now i'm still on the right side of that line, and thankful for that.
check back later.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
so slap me
but now you've painted me a villain.
i don't think i ever deserved to be accused a trickster.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
15 to midnight at 6th
sat us- two friends together,
on a little white couch,
making and remembering
memories on a silver canon.
could you smell the swirling wisps
of pina colada from the cup
you so loved, but was mine instead?
might it have come sooner
if i had had rum in place of that
hot drink, to placate my inner turmoil-
i suppose no one would know.
the fact remains: we were
there, head on shoulder, yours
on mine, because you said
you like it, and we did nothing..
save for talk. and weren't the words
uttered utterly aimless but circling?
your face was a breath away;
i could have caught the whiff of cocoa
and you were tantalisingly near,
but i do not regret what didn't happen,
for some mistakes will not just disappear.
and the hug was too late
in coming, the first too disguised,
the second never materialised.
so this night was left wanting-
but aren't memories sweetest when
one wishes there was a bit more
in them?
Thursday, December 08, 2005
100mph into a wall
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
drifting emotions
i'm not a commitment-phobe and neither am i out for a fling, but it strikes me as funny that people would look so far ahead when their relationship has only just begun. i think it's worth a laugh. with all due respect, what makes you think you know?
relationships are like trials.. some people get it right the first time, but most don't. then again, if that's the case, i must be an utter failure, hah. i just think a relationship should be progressive.. it'd sure scare the hell out of me if my next girlfriend started talking about marriage one week into the relationship.
Monday, December 05, 2005
something's wrong
one thing good was that the speed is back. nearly matched the cars on an upslope sprint.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
i can't thank you enough for your friendship.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
bedlam
ash to ash, dust to dust..
Friday, December 02, 2005
outlook
sit at the back, stare out the glass panel
out in the illuminated streets,
burning into sepia the memories and visions
of eureka- and fleeting genius.
and ignore the aged stranger beside me,
in her aimless mumblings into the mouthpiece
because what does that matter to me?
and the screaming child is but only
another faceless entity deserving to be ignored,
a contributant to the chaos
which engulfs but fails to breach the
boundaries of this quiet that beats
in my heart. oh this aching silence, the
reluctant solitary bliss, would in christmas
make a humble wish, for your company,
to hold me close in warmth and love
and calm this brewing storm with your
gentle caress, your midas touch.
affection, would you surrender your trade?